Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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