I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
