they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
