you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
