people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
