The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
