I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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