he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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