I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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