i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
