Dude my mom stole all your condoms
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
