You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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