I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
