I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
