I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
