Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
