I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
