Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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