I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
