dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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