I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
