I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
