If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
