My underwear smells like fireworks.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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