mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
