I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize