I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
