I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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