God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
