Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
