Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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