First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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