new low.... made out with someone while peeing
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
