I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
