fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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