and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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