I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
