if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
