I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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