Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
