he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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