I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
