my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
