Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
