my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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