I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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