my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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