I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Is it penis luge time yet?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
