I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
