i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
