Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
