Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
