my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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