You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I currently don't understand fingers.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
