My friends, they love my intelligence
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
