Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
