the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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