I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
