I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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