Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
