my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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