happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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